I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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