i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
