this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
