Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
