i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
