and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
