The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
