ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
