Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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