dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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