im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
