you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
