Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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