Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
