it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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