He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
