apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
