So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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