I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
