After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
