My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
