Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
