I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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