I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
