Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
