I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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