She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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