You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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