So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
