i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
