i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
