Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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