you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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