Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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