if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
