i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
they need to just BURY HIM!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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