im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
