My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just invented taco cereal.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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