I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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