I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
