I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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