it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
