If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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