and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
