Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
