my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
