I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
