Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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