She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
