the condom got lost in my hair
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
