she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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