awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
