i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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